纸系包唔住火

I knew this phrase since a little kid. Teachers always used this to remind us never to lie, about anything. Be an honest person.

I do think that, generally, I'm an honest person. But there're times when I lied, quite good at that i must say, for different reasons.

But I've never liked lying, because I do feel guilty and I would always have to lie again just to cover the first lie. This is just never ending, a vicious cycle. Torturing for the person if you have to lie over and over again just so that your very first lie is not discovered.

Can you imagine how hard that would be? I can.

But all things have to end. Including your vicious cycle of lying. And my biggest lie to her has finally ended. Bocor-ed.

I knew from the first day when I decided to move to BKK that she'll find out sooner or later. I could have find ways to prevent her from knowing, but I just didn't know how to. I didn't know how to tell her the truth. I still remembered I lied to her when she asked me about it before I came to BKK. I just said, no such things. I denied. It hurt me a lot when I said that.

I thought by not telling her, I would save her a lot of unneccesary stress. How wrong was I. Letting her find out by this way is even more stressful than if I have told her in the beginning.

I don't know why exactly I chose not to tell her in the beginning. Maybe because I knew she would not approve of me having so many CC, as it would ultimately lead to more debts. But I thought I wasn't going to use it at all. I guess I was wrong. Very wrong.

Now that she has known about the existence of it, it became the least of her worries. Her biggest worries would be me lying to her. She's heart broken because of this. Not because of the CC, but because I lied to her.

I felt so sorry to her for not telling her about the CC. But most of all, I'm sorry that I lied to her. This is not good at all. Not good for our relationship. Not good for anything.

I'm sorry is all I can say. And a promise that I would not lie to her again. About anything. No matter how good intention is. Just no more lies.

No more.